Advice? (Part 2 of 3)

In part one of “Advice?” we looked at the wisdom of a friend’s advice with caution, and suggested we need to be circumspect when we get advice from clandestine therapists who act as family members and close friends. I guess Job could probably give some useful hints on how to deal with them given his woeful experience. So where else do we NOT go to for help….?

The Internet

Google responds to the search “Relationships” in 0.18 seconds with some 142 million hits. Okay, so I am not the only one offering help. But by analysing the (top 12) results, I was interested to see the following random stats: -

• Wikipedia’s definition of relationships (top 2 – who knows why);
• Twilight series (1 – yeah, the kids factor);
• Celebrity relationships (1 – surprise, surprise!)
• A Google books (1);
• Advice websites (7) – of which one was written by a professional.

Although the results are probably skewed, (instigated by search engine experts pushing traffic towards their websites), the point is that there are literally millions of people giving advice of which fifty percent comes from popular websites as opposed to professionals. It also indicates that people are looking for help, information and advice, and will go to arbitrary websites to find it. I guess the advantage of the internet is that it is anonymous, cheap, accessible and convenient; it also doesn’t ask probing questions. Hypothetically, the internet could give you an answer to your problem without hauling  skeletons out and without divulging your identity. What’s more, if you don’t like the advice, you click the boxed cross in the top right hand corner and move to the next result until you find the answer you’re looking for. The internet is, for the most, a unidirectional media. The problem I have with the internet is that it doesn’t know:-

• your circumstances and context;
• your partner;
• you;
• the exact nature of the problem and it’s root cause,

…otherwise it’s great.

Magazines

A visit to your local supermarket will give an indication of the booming magazine business, from the FHM to the Engineering News, something for everyone, and lots on relationships.  But my personal problem with the print media is probably conceived in my cynicism of the world movement I call “Oprahism”. It’s a blend of existentialism, empowerment and subjective optimism laced with stories of the fortuitous who achieved their bliss. I am NOT saying that people can’t change their lives or that they won’t achieve success, and I certainly don’t want to discourage them from trying either. What I am concerned about is the emphasis on the “Me” it teaches. At the risk of being side-tracked, let me elaborate here as this is the crux of the matter that is subtly pervading our lives.

We live in a postmodern society (please use the link to read more) which has permeated throughout our lives without us even noticing it. Essentially it is the rejection of eternal principles and absolute biblical (inter se) truth in favour of ones own relative truth and perception of reality. Perhaps I can explain it this way. It’s a philosophy which encourages people to use reason instead of (Biblical) truth to find answers.  This new emphasis on self encourages people to live for themselves and their own happiness. You might’ve heard it like this “If you’re not happy, you’ve got to make the change; you’ve got to be enjoying your life and if he is not meeting your needs, you DESERVE better….”  Whilst I don’t like to be judgemental, I urge caution when reading these columns.  So many relationships break down because people decide they are unhappy and it is their partner’s fault. Be very wary of the advice, it’s source and target audience. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be and it certainly may not be the answer to your problems.

Just a final note: For those who wish to understand my concern about Postmodernism, you can read about Friedrich Nietzsche who, aside from being influential in the formulation on Postmodernism, is also reputed to be closely associated with Adolf Hitler and Nazism. Spot the similarities if you can….

In Part 3, we’ll look at books and counselors/therapists.

Introduction

Sunrise on the Hottentots Holland

The late Rev. Dr. Rex Mathie had a plaque in a prominent part of his home which he often referred to in his messages. The plaque, which was his daily prayer, personified God’s grace. It said “Lord of fresh starts and new beginnings, here I am again today”.

Socrates, the Greek philosopher in Athens said around 400BC that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. Not surprisingly, each day as I awake and contemplate the previous day, my failings and shortcomings, I whisper that very same prayer, and by the grace and mercy of God, I see the sun rise again, giving me yet another chance to start anew and to try again.

I am not alone in my journey for, since the beginning of time, all of man has continually failed.  And God has forgiven and restored. Adam, after he and Eve had sinned for the first time, hid from God. God, in His infinite love, sought for Adam as he seeks us out today. He loves us and wants to restore us, to help us move forward with purpose and direction. Philip Yancey in his book Prayer, records this footnote:

“Frederick Buechner notes God asked Adam two penetrating questions after their first act of disobedience: ‘Where are you?’ and ‘What is this you have done?’. Therapists, he remarked, have been asking the same questions ever since. ‘Where are you?’ exposes the present reality. They are hiding, naked, ravaged by never-before-known feelings of guilt and shame. ‘What is this you have done?’ exposes the past. In his encounter with Adam and Eve, God sets forth the consequences of their behaviour and then provides clothing to equip them for the new state they have brought about. ‘They can’t go back, but they can go forward clothed in a new way’, says Buechner – the result that any good therapist hopes to accomplish.”

When I was younger, hitchhiking was to me as it was to many then, a viable option and means of transport. I forget where I was coming from and where I was going to one day, but I decided to put my thumb out and hitch a ride. Many cars sped past me but a “black taxi” stopped and pulled over, offering me a lift. It was the late 1980’s and the apartheid regime had declared a state of emergency. I was weary to climb into the mini bus, believing all I had been taught about the black man. The driver, with a broad smile and gentle manner, sensed my apprehension and encouraged me to get in. Trusting my instinct, I climbed up and greeted the only other occupant beside my newly acquainted friend. We exchanged names and information on destination whilst he chatted in his vernacular with my fellow passenger driving with one knee and one hand. When I alighted from the vehicle, I searched frantically in my pockets for some change but his big hand stopped me. “What do I owe you?” I asked. “Nothing”, he replied, “just remember that one day you can help someone out like I helped you out today”. Some call it ‘paying it forward’ I think, but that act of kindness from someone who by law had his basic human rights and dignity taken away, humbled me. The the memory lives with me to this day.

And so begins my journey on this adventure called life. I am a fellow traveler and sinner, seeking restoration in my own life as, having been down many a wrong path in my life, I share my experience with you, helping you to be restored and renewed that you too may find restoration. Like the taxi driver who helped me where he could, I try help where I can. It’s not Clinical Psychology, it’s probably not Clinical Theology either, it’s a revolutionary fighting for a cause, for restoration for friend and foe alike. I’m a Restoration Revolutionary.