On the road to Recovery

Last week I covered the topic of depression and how tough life can be whilst grieving the end of your marriage.  It is a time when there is very little hope of a future and you sometimes only get up in the morning simply because you know you have to move forward or because your friends tell you to move on. Everyone tells you that things will get better and perhaps that’s the only thing that gets you out of bed. So how do you get over it and get onto the road of recovery?

Steps to take

As a start, it’s advisable to see a counsellor of some sort. For some, seeing a counsellor is for the dysfunctional few but ironically enough, the closer you are to normality the better counselling will be for you to restore than normality. Perhaps I can explain it like this. Suppose you have an accident and you cut yourself badly. You can either leave it in the hope it will get better, or you can see a doctor. The doctor will clean the wound, apply antiseptic, give you a shot, stitch the wound up, apply dressing and perhaps give you a prescription for medication. He’ll advise you to come back every day or so to change the dressing until he is happy to get a check-up some time later. On the other hand, it is possible the wound will heal by itself but if it does, will it be infection-free and leave a minimal scar? The point is that your chances of full and rapid recovery are always greater if you have it medicated by a professional. Emotional wounds are the same… you stand a better chance when you see someone who recognizes the wounds and knows how to treat it.

Another suggestion is to start accepting in your mind that your circumstances have changed. You need to realise that as a result of the change, you will be experiencing feelings like loneliness, anger, hurt, sadness etc. but realise that it is just for now and that it will change again in time to come, for the better. It’s an interim phase in your life which you have to accept for now in the knowledge that things will get better. However difficult this may seem, it is imperative to help you in your progression to acceptance.  Once you have begun to accept the current status quo, it’ll be easier to begin to re-establish your identity. This process takes time as it is no longer we, or us, it’s I and me. You have to become an independent entity. As time goes by, you’ll begin to accept who you are and then, and only then, can you start re-establishing dreams and goals shattered by the divorce.

Remember too that you have been part of a relationship for some period of time and as a result you have been reliant on that person to fulfil certain of your needs. I am not talking simply about sexual needs but a need for connection, validation, encouragement, empathy, acceptance, love and respect… to name a few. Suddenly the person who fulfilled those needs is no longer there and you feel an emptiness inside. On that note, now is not the time to find a replacement to fulfil those needs, hence the term and connotations of a “rebound” relationship.  Instead, you need to re-establish yourself as an independent entity. Steven Covey in his book “Seven habits of highly effective people” speaks of the phases of life that a person goes through. Very briefly, he says we start off as children dependant on our parents and as we progress, we learn to become independent. Only once we are independent can we be ready for interdependence with others. However, when we have been in a marriage for a number of years, we become dependant on our spouse for certain needs. Thus, during the grieving period, we need to re-establish our independence before we are ready for interdependence again and a new relationship. The point is, we have to take time to allow ourselves to heal.

It takes time

Some of what I have described above is the feelings you will begin to feel when you are starting to move from depression into acceptance. There is never a cut-off point where you wake up one day and all is well again, never to feel down again. It’s a process and there will be plenty of relapses, particularly when someone or something strikes a chord deep down, reminding you of the divorce. On average, these feelings of normality will only start to take place about 2-3 years after the divorce so be very careful not to expect too much too soon. There is a principle in life I call the Farming Theory which explains this concept in some detail. Essentially it teaches that there are some things you cannot rush in life, some things that need to go through the process of restoration and healing as nature intended.  To rush it and to bypass parts of it, will cause parts of your psyche to go into dormancy only to raise its ugly head when launching feet first in a new relationship. Take time out, allow yourself to recover.

What else can you do?

The last thing I want to do is give you a “5-steps to divorce recovery” because it’s misleading and superficial. However, there are things that apply to everyone and are useful to anyone in that situation. Firstly, spend time with friends or family that care about you. If you don’t have many friends or family, seek out a support group like a Divorce Recovery group held at a local church. You’ll find yourself amidst a group of people who are experiencing exactly the same emotions as you are and can form an immediate bond with you. Another suggestion is to get active again with regular exercise, sport or gym, it helps with the release of endorphins into your brain and improves your self-image and confidence.  Reading and understanding what you can expect during this and the next phase of your life and how to equip yourself for the journey ahead, gives you the courage to move forward a little more prepared. Often there are legal implications when kids are involved so learn about your rights as a single parent. New relationships may mean step-children and their ex’s and it’s always good to have some insight into how to deal with these dynamics.  You might want to help out at the local soup kitchen or orphanage; this helps realising that there are some worse off than you. The key is to keep busy with things that will help you to shift your paradigm from a divorcing individual to someone going through a metamorphosis whilst never forgetting to take care of yourself.

Like many other days, I am forced to limit the blog to avoid it being touted as a book. I hope I have given you some encouragement on your journey.

The End of a Relationship

Introduction

Over the past few weeks, I have written about Divorce and broken trust from an objective and almost analytical perspective, stating observations in a slightly clinical way. However, during the course of this week, I heard of yet another divorce and was reminded of my calling and my purpose; restoring wholeness to the hurting and realised perhaps I have been somewhat distracted. So today, I am going back to basics as it were, to talk about the “you” that faces the broken relationship and grief at the end of a relationship.

A Learning Period

Although not seen at the time, many are able to look back at a broken relationship and realize that the ending of a relationship is concurrent with a time of learning and growth. This, in and of itself, is not compensation, comfort or construed as an objective, it is simply an undeniable consequence of a terminating relationship, a fact of life. During this period, you will learn a number of things you weren’t aware of before or perhaps hadn’t noticed before about your partner, other people, the law (if applicable), life itself but most importantly, you learn about “you”, although it may take some time before you see this.

Grief

It is an undisputable fact of life that we will all experience loss at some point in our lives. In reaction to that loss, we as human beings experience grief; indeed it is imperative to seek out and experience grief with any loss. Clearly, the strength of your bond to the subject and the place of prominence it holds in your life, is directly proportional to the grief you experience, be it a pet hamster, a sentimental item, a job (retrenchment) or the loss of your spouse to death or divorce; with loss comes grieving. So, for those who are experiencing grief, either first-hand or as an observer, I thought some information about grief and its phases might help here. These phases are particularly noticeable in those who are facing a terminal illness or are perhaps forced to watch whilst a loved one confronts the inevitable march towards death. It is imperative to understand that grief is a process one has to go through before some normality returns. As with any process, it ebbs and flows as you go through the stages and at times takes two steps forward and one step back. It can seem to last an eternity, as if time is standing still but be assured that it will eventually pass, it just takes time. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first introduced the stages of depression back in 1969 and whilst there is still some debate, broadly speaking they can be recognised in most instances of grief. It is important from the perspective that you are able to recognize the signs of which phase you are in and understand what you are going through. These phases are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For now, let’s assume denial, anger and bargaining are self-explanatory and can be delved into later; right now it is the depression part that I want to talk about.

Depression

If you’re at a point in your life where you are facing or are dealing with a broken relationship, I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. Dealing with loss is painful and I wish I could write the words that will take the hurt away but I know that there is very little that anyone can say which will take away the pain that consumes you, in fact, even the medication doesn’t quite hack it either. It’s an intense pain that seems to go on forever, gnawing at your very core, a constant companion putting you to sleep at night and greeting you in the morning, should you be so lucky to have any sleep. Somehow it changes all your perspectives of everything you do and say and it’s almost as if you are inside a machine, operating it in a familiar way causing everything you do, without exception, to be clinical and forced. You are on the incessant search for clues and signs to give you some hope, either for restoration of the relationship or to help you to continue or find some end to the pain. And yet, each little hope gets dashed in some cruel and merciless blow, inducing a sense of powerlessness and heartache that engulfs your very being and leaving you wondering whether or not it’s actually worth it to carry on. There is an immense sadness, a loss so deep that you doubt anything will ever compensate and restore normality. You might have a multitude of unanswered and unanswerable questions that permeate your mind day and night, hounding you for answers, never letting you rest, never giving you peace. One simple three-lettered word haunts you relentlessly, “Why?”. Crying doesn’t help anymore but it also doesn’t stop you from crying and the restlessness continues as you seek something, anything that’ll help. It’s a difficult time indeed and until you’ve been there it is very difficult to understand.

Clinical Depression

If it takes a great deal of strength to get up in the morning and get dressed, and it’s a mission to brush your teeth and you need to actually set a goal of “getting to work” if you can even think of getting that far, then you may be clinically depressed. (There are other symptoms which you can read about here). If this is your experience, you may want to consider seeing a Doctor for anti-depressants. I am not a fan of “happy pills” medication but during depression, the brain’s production of serotonin is severely hampered. Serotonin is essentially a neurotransmitter which allows a neuron (containing a message) to be taken up by receptor sites, like a ball bearing into a socket. In the absence of serotonin, this process fails to take place resulting in impaired regulation of mood states and normal functioning(1). Anti-depressants assist the production of serotonin and enable the brain to function again firstly allowing the person to cope with the demands of life and secondly to stabilize them in order to work through the post-relationship issues that they are struggling with. Anti-depressants aren’t long-term and aren’t addictive, so when you have dealt with your grieving, you can wean yourself off them and move forward.

Don’t be scared to Mourn

Losing someone is sad, especially when it isn’t by choice. Take time out and learn to embrace the depression. It is the process of saying goodbye and is crucial to allowing you to move forward. I’m not suggesting pity-parties, binging or maniacal activities, I’m simply suggesting its okay to be sad and mourn. Part of the mourning is the re-alignment of hopes, dreams and expectations that have been absolutely shattered as a result of the loss. The future may look bleak but don’t think too far ahead. Take each day as it comes remembering that at any one point in time, you have enough to survive, air, food, clothing, shelter… the rest will come in days to come but it’s enough for right here, right now. It is unwise to think too far into the future or to compare to others you know, just take one day at a time.

Deal with it

Finally, break-ups, divorce and death is a reality of life which we don’t always get a say in. It’s not going to go away and it’s not going to get better unless you deal with it. I would highly recommend seeing a counsellor if not for any other purpose but to tell them how unfair life is and how violated you feel. You’ll have many feelings at this time and some even in conflict with each other, its okay but you need to talk about them to get clarity and to move on. I’ll talk more about this next week.

Hope

Whether or not you see it or even believe it, life will go on and things will get better. I am not telling you this to comfort you because I know how useless that is. These are words you HAVE to believe in to help you get up and face another day. I’ve been there, I know what you’re feeling. I have many friends and counselees who have been there and without exception, they can all testify to the fact that things gets better.

During my darkest days, I clung to the hope of the words I found in Proverbs 3:5-6 so read them and understand them. That and the words that Shannon and Howard said to me “…this too shall pass…” At the time I thought they had no idea. Looking back, now I realize that I didn’t.

(1) Abnormal Psychology in a Changing World. Nevid, Rathus, Green. Pearson Education 7th Edition.

Facets of Divorce

STAND IN

Yesterday morning I was asked to stand in at the last minute for a fellow mediator who had to cancel. It was a divorce mediation during which I was reminded about the lack of understanding that couples have in general when initiating divorce or terminating a marriage. For the astute, it can be noted that I’m still on the subject of divorce, with two aims to today’s blog: -

• Understanding the different facets of divorce and their timing.
• To think very carefully about divorce when considering it yourself.

SCENE 1 – ACT 1

Janet* was half-slumped over the table, the exhaustion showing clearly in her posture. The fatigue was in her face as well with dark rings under her clear eyes. Although soft-spoken, there was a determination in her that she wasn’t accustomed to, causing a slight hesitation. Perhaps she knew what she had to do but wasn’t sure how it was all going to play out. “I want to go ahead with the divorce”, she said slowly causing me to look across at her husband. Jack*, on the other side of the table, sat bolt upright, expectantly, listening attentively. I was suddenly saddened by what I saw because I knew the journey that he was about to face, a journey which he knew very little about right at that point and, even if explained in detail, could not possible comprehend.

6 FACETS OF DIVORCE

It is not uncommon to see two people going through a divorce where one of them is in denial. Sometimes, as I did yesterday, I ask permission for 5 minutes to explain some “realities of life” to couples with the main aim to help them move forward in the mediation. One of the realities of life (divorce in this instance) is that it is not simply a legal process that goes through the courts. There are 6 different facets to divorce which I have listed below somewhat superficially. In reality, each should have it’s own blog and in time to come will indeed be explored further. Right now, to the reader, it may seem like some of the points don’t flow, but this is purely because I am trying to squash a watermelon into a lunchbox. Try understanding the principle instead as I list the aspects of divorce….

1. The legal aspect – This is what most people refer to when they get divorced although, in my view, it is not necessarily the most important or most significant aspect. Of course the process is necessary if you wish to remarry and particularly if you don’t want to be arrested for bigamy. It is also imperative where one or both of the parties desire certain aspects of divorce to be made an order of court.
2. The second facet of divorce is the financial divorce. For some, this becomes the focal point of divorce and in some, the raison d’être for the divorce. Simply stated, it is not only the splitting of all the assets and liabilities according to how you are married and who gets what, but it is also a change in the way you manage your life. No longer do you have joint incomes or joint budgets whilst all the living expenses are essentially doubled; double rents/bond, double utilities, double food bills with the same income. To exacerbate the situation, it is unlikely you’ll have two of all the household essentials and you’ll need to get a new fridge, TV or decoder and washing machine or tumble dryer. On top of that is the maintenance which was also never part of the budget before. For most, this is going to have a serious impact on your lifestyle, particularly where the kids are involved
3. Physical divorce – Physical divorce may seem a rather paltry part of divorce but it has a notable impact on those struggling to cope with the divorce and the single parenting that comes with it. It begins with having to divide and separate your furniture, linen, crockery and cutlery and then finding a place to stay. If you have the kids, you now become the mother and father when it comes to fulfilling their needs. Single parenting isn’t easy. Where you shop, go to gym, church and the movies might have to be reprogrammed into your brain. Aside from the many memories and the difficulty of moving out, you face the unenviable future of loneliness, even if you have the kids. Instead of coming home to a safe haven where your spouse and children live, being greeting and enjoying a meal with them, you come home to an empty house. It is not something that everyone takes into account and months after the divorce is “through”, they take stock of their new lifestyle with different lenses.
4. The dreaded sexual divorce – For some, this may be the advantage of divorce and others, a significant challenge. Some might enjoy the “sexual freedom” it brings but it comes at a price make no mistake. Bounce-back relationships, desperate dating, pornography and casual sex starts to tempt you and might start to control you. Be on your guard.
5. Mental divorce – This is interlinked to point 6 but I have listed it separately because it can help you cope. To divorce someone mentally is to stop thinking about them as your spouse. Plans you make are suddenly only made for you individually. You no longer need to consider the other person when decisions are made. (If you never did this before, that is probably why you are divorced now). It often takes a supreme effort for some to have to cut their ex-spouse out of their lives.
6. Emotional divorce – This then the important thrust of today’s blog. So often, as in the case of yesterday’s mediation, the couple follow the classical anatomy of divorce as described by Dr J Dobson in his book “Love must be tough”. Extremely briefly, it is when the actions of one party start to kill off the other party’s love for them over a period of time. The offended party (Janet) sometimes talks about it to the offending party (Jack) but nothing seems to help and the Jack’s actions continue unabated. The end result is a love that has died and eventually the Janet decides life is better off without Jack. This is the point where Janet’s emotional divorce takes place. On the other hand, we have Jack who receives the divorce summons completely unaware of the event that has taken place in Janet’s life. (Note: Janet is also probably unaware of this event and looks to the divorce as the climax of the process). Naturally, Jack feels highly violated and doesn’t understand why, when everything is going so well, Janet wants to divorce. It is at this point where I refer you to Scene 1, Act 1 above.

INTRODUCTION

No, there is no error here, I use introduction intentionally as this is the beginning of the Jack’s journey. Janet has already divorced him emotionally and possibly mentally, she just needs to go through with the legal and physical aspects of the divorce. Jack is in denial and cannot understand why this is suddenly happening to him. In this instance, the couple were married for over 20 years where she supported him for 90% of the time. She was tired, notably tearless and ready to move on. Her legal divorce will be an anti-climax whereas for him it will be an ominous and inevitable reality which will shatter his world. Whilst her grieving for the marriage took place during the last few years of the marriage, his process of grief will take place after the dissolution of the marriage, lonely and alone. His emotional divorce is only about to begin.

* Names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Divorce (Part 1)

THE MYRTH OF DIVORCE

For those of you who are familiar with Rowan Atkinson, you might know he was part of the “Not the nine o clock news” team. As an introduction to this week’s blog, I feature one of their skits here…

From series 3, episode 7 – 08/12/1980, Written by John Cannack.

Priest: Rowan Atkinson
Dennis: Mel Smith
Muriel: Pamela Stephenson
Frank: Griff Rhys Jones

“Priest: Dennis, wilt thou leave this woman who is thy wedded wife. Thushow dislike her, despise her, hate the sight of the moth-eaten Snoopy doll she’s had since college. And despise her brother, the chartered surveyer, who invites himself for dinner and drinks thy scotch after you’ve gone to bed….(edited)

Dennis: I will.
Priest: Muriel, wilt thou leave this drunken shit who is thy wedded husband. Thushow dislike the brevity and infrequency of his love-making. And wilt thou so sick of having to lie to him about how it’s not size that’s important,… (edited)

Muriel: I will.
Priest: Who taketh this woman away from this man?
Frank: I do.
Priest: Just say these words after me: I take thee from thou wedded husband…
Frank: I take thee from thou wedded husband.
Priest: To have and to hold from this day forth…
Frank: To have and to hold from this day forth.
Priest: For I am Frank Hotchkiss…
Frank: For I am Frank Hotchkiss.
Priest: The lounge lizard from accounts…
Frank: The lounge lizard from accounts.
Priest: And thereto I plight to thee my troth…
Frank: And thereto I plight to thee my troth.
Priest: Dearly beloved, divorce is an honorable estate and is not to be taken inhand lightly, ill-advisedly, or wantonly only to satisfy men’s carnal lusts – although that’s a pretty good reason…”

It would be hysterical if it weren’t so sad.

WHAT DOES SOUTH AFRICAN LAW SAY?

In South African law, marriage ceases to exist (excluding void and voidable marriages) by death or divorce. Some have said the former option was often considered viable in many instances given the cost of the latter. Be that as it may, divorce is the only way out of a marriage if your spouse insists on living.  But what do you say when you get to court? What reason do you give and would Frank Hotchkiss’s presence be enough reason?

WHAT ARE GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE

Before the Divorce Act 70 of 1979, our law allowed only four grounds for divorce, viz adultery, malicious desertion, incurable insanity (7 years proof) and imprisonment of 5 years (given that the defendant was a habitual criminal). Since then, the new Act allows divorce to take place provided that it is (1) no longer a normal marriage and (2) that no reasonable prospect exists for a restoration of a normal marriage relationship (Divorce Act 70 of 1979 s4(1)).  Mental illness as previously allowed and referred to above, is also considered to be grounds for divorce. My interest is with the two requirements stated above.

At the risk of becoming technical, I wish to further list the guidelines given in s 4(2) which indicate that there is no longer a normal marital relationship: -

(a)    The parties have not lived together as husband and wife for a continuous period of at least one year immediately prior to the action;

(b)    The defendant has committed adultery and the plaintiff finds it irreconcilable with a continued relationship;

(c)    The defendant as been declared an habitual criminal and is undergoing …a prison sentence.

IS IT APPLIED IN THE COURTS?

It is interesting to note that despite these guidelines, they are very seldom considered when a divorce is granted. Take the irony of the second criteria for example. It is assumed that it will be the plaintiff requesting the divorce accusing the defendant of infidelity and demanding a divorce. In most instances these days it is indeed the plaintiff who “has met someone else” and ends up in the dock pleading a decree of divorce. The defendant is the innocent party wanting to forgive and continue with the marriage. As for the first requirement, I mediated a couple late last year who were still living together and were seeking a divorce. Their only problem was that they were both fighting to be the primary care-giver of their only child and undertook to move out as soon as they were given that responsibility, otherwise all was well. I have no doubt that their request would be granted. It’s bizarre.

DOES THE JUDGE HAVE AN OPTION?

To exacerbate the matter, the wording of section 3 and 4 of the Act, in reference to the court’s authority to grant a decree of divorce is so worded that the court does not actually have discretion on whether to grant a divorce or not, provided that it has been proved that a marriage has broken down irretrievably. Thus, when a case is presented to the judge, the plaintiff acting as a witness (to his/her marriage), gives testimony that the marriage has broken down irretrievably. On that basis, the judge has very little option but to grant the divorce. With the age of post-modernism, values and morals have decayed to such an extent that affairs are not only common but in some cases accepted. To a judge exercising his mandate, he simply cannot argue that the above requirements need to be fulfilled before he can grant a divorce; he understands society and grants divorce on the simple testimony of one party. Don’t get me wrong here. I know from experience that it takes two people to get married and one to get divorced. If one of the couple wants out, there is no sense in forcing them to stay in the marriage either because frustration will lead to anger which will become resentment which in turn will become hatred. However, I still think it is too easy to get divorced. In some states in the USA, counseling is required before a divorce can be granted. So clearly, you really don’t need a good reason (legally) as grounds for divorce, because the court will grant you a decree of divorce anyway.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?

So what am I trying to say? My point in fact, has got nothing to do with the leniency of the courts other than the fact that it is simply the quintessence of today’s attitude towards marriage. A decree of divorce is usually the conclusion of the legal process of divorce and grants you a court order to get the car and the furniture etc. and the “freedom” to remarry. Contrary to common belief, it is not necessarily the conclusion of the divorce and in some cases doesn’t bring the peace and freedom sought by the plaintiff. But what my point really is, is that this is not something new, in fact, it was the same in Jesus’ day. Men were giving their wives a certificate of divorce for no real reason other than wanting a change, or they didn’t like something about the woman, or whatever reason really. Their justification was that the Law (Mosaic Law) permitted it. Jesus explained that God allowed it only because of the hardness of people’s hearts (Matthew 19:8) but it was never God’s intention (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5) nor was it ever meant to be.

SO WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

If you are hoping for the courts to keep you or your spouse in the marriage, then you’re dead in the water.  It’s really up to you and your spouse, and when it does get to the courts, it should be a very last resort; after counseling, after therapy and after trying and trying again. I for one, believe that most marriages can be saved, even (looking at last weeks blog) after infidelity. You see, the word “divorce” in the Bible (from God’s perspective) is the severing of the bond, similar to the pulling apart of a man by tying him by hands and feet to two different tow-trucks and driving them in two different directions. It is painful and ugly and in reality I suppose it should be. (I have never understood the two who go for a divorce and are good friends… what’s the point of getting divorced then?) God hates divorce (Macachi 2:16) because of what it did (does) to people. In contrast, people don’t understand what it does to them, but they see a (short-term) solution and opt out.  This is a mystery to me as much as marriage is.

CONCLUSION?

It struck me today how similar society has become.  It was easy for men to simply issue a certificate of divorce in Biblical days and be rid of the women. Today, although we go through a legal process, it is not much different and it’s just as common for men as it is for women to start the divorce proceedings. Any reason will do and the marriage is ended.

And people ask me what relevance the Bible has today…..

Forgiveness

AMAZING GRACE IN THE TRC.

The following is an extract from chapter 7 of Joyce Meyer’s book entitled, ‘Approval Addiction.”

The scene is a courtroom in South Africa:

A frail black woman about seventy years old slowly rises to her feet. Across the room and facing her are several white police officers. One of them is Mr. Van der Broek, who has just been tried and found implicated in the murders of both the woman’s son and her husband some years before. Van der Broek had come to the woman’s home, taken her son, shot him at point blank range and then set his body on fire while he and his officers partied nearby.

Several years later, Van der Broek and his men had returned for her husband as well. For months she knew nothing of his whereabouts. Then almost two years after her husband’s disappearance, Van der Broek came back to fetch the woman herself. How well she remembers in vivid detail that evening, going to a place beside a river where she was shown her husband, bound and beaten, but still strong in spirit, lying on a pile of wood. The last words she heard from his lips as the officers poured gasoline over his body and set him aflame were, “Father, forgive them…”

Now the woman stands in the courtroom and listens to the confessions offered by Mr. Van der Broek. A member of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission turns to her and asks, “So what do you want? How should justice be done to this man who has so brutally destroyed your family?”

“I want three things,” begins the old woman calmly, but confidently. “I want first to be taken to the place where my husband’s body was burned so that I can gather up dust and give his remains a decent burial.

“She paused, then continued. “My husband and son were my only family. I want secondly, therefore, for Mr. Van der Broek to become my son. I would like for him to come twice a month to the ghetto and spend a day with me so that I can pour out on him whatever love I still have remaining in me.” She also stated that she wanted a third thing, “This also the wish of my husband. And so, I would kindly ask someone to come to my side and lead me across the courtroom so that I can Mr. Van der Broek in my arms and embrace him and let him know that he is truly forgiven.” As the court assistants came to lead the elderly woman across the room, Mr. Van der Broek, overwhelmed by what he had just heard, fainted. As he did, those in the courtroom, family, friends, neighbours-all victims of decades of oppression and injustice- began to sing softly but assuredly, “amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.” ^1.

Although it appears that the elderly woman who had endured such a painful loss was doing Mr. Van der Broek a huge favour-and she indeed was-she was actually doing more for herself than for him. Because of her actions, her past had no authority over her future. She was not allowing the pain of the past to poison her attitude. Her attitude gave glory to God.

^1. J. John and Mark Stibbe, A Barrel of Fun (West Sussex, England: Monarch, 2004), 76-77.

Learning about Trust (Part 2)

In part 1 of learning to trust, it became evident that there is much information to share on the matter. I try keeping my blogs under 600 words to avoid readers dropping off but it resulted in me ended off rather abruptly having just broached the topic of breached trust. It’s here that I want to continue.

Dealing with breached trust

Before, I continue, I would like to make it clear that I understand how hurtful it is to be the betrayed party in a relationship. I have, sadly and with shame, been on both sides of the act of infidelity so I know what I am talking about. Some of the emotions you will feel are rejection, worthlessness, powerlessness, anger, disorientation, confusion and hatred but above all, the deep pain of disillusionment and betrayal. I try to comfort those hurting by reminding them that Jesus knows their pain as He experienced betrayal unto death. It was not only the betrayal of Judas, Peter or His other disciples that Christ had to endure, but also the multitudes who screamed for His crucifixion were the very ones worshipping Him a mere week earlier by singing Hosanna and throwing Palm leaves on the road as He entered Jerusalem on a donkey. There is much to learn from how He dealt with it.

But what do you do when you have been betrayed? One thing is sure and that is that there will be pain. The depth and duration of the pain will depend on: -

• The nature of the infidelity
• How it came to light
• Frequency and intimacy of the infidelity(ies)
• The party(ies) involved
• When and where it occurred

More than that, the conduct of the betrayer will also affect the situation by his or her:

• Reaction to being caught or confessing
• Remorse displayed
• Desire to be forgiven
• Sincerity in dealing with the infidelity
• Desire to continue with the relationship
• Honesty and openness about the infidelity

Nevertheless, once the betrayal is made known, a few really tough decisions need to be made by both parties which we’ll look at shortly, but before we do that, it is imperative firstly for the guilty party to admit to the indiscretion and an underlying problem and seek forgiveness not only from his/her partner but also from God. King David talks about his infidelity with Bathsheba in Psalm 51:1-12 and his reaction to it. Note a few things here:

• He asks for Mercy, according to God’s ability, not his own (v1)
• He asks for forgiveness (V1-2, 7,9)
• He knows and understands His sin (v3-4)
• He knows that it is always going to be there to remind him (v3b)
• He suffered under His guilt (v3,8)

I would suggest following the same process.

Secondly, the betrayed party needs to forgive. Although forgiveness is a decision that needs to be made, it is a prerequisite to moving forward for the betrayed party. Dr Dobson in his book “When God doesn’t make sense”, describes how bitterness can set in and become a cancer. I DO NOT for one iota in time, underestimate the struggle this represents, and whilst it may take time, it is absolutely necessary. (I have posted an example of forgiveness on a separate blog)

Then, after that, the decision needs to be made by both parties as to whether to continue the relationship. I say both parties because both parties will have to make an effort to move forward with the knowledge of the betrayal. God doesn’t forget, He chooses not to remember and removes our sin “as far as the East is from the West”  (Psalm 103:12 NIV) but we are not God and we will remember, often, especially when the same circumstances occur. And then the relationship and the trust will be tested to the limit.

Rick Warren in his book “God’s Power to change your life” covers a section on Self-Control, the 9^th listed fruit of the Holy Spirit. Whilst his purpose is somewhat different, it still gives some useful ideas to build trust and I have selected 6 of the points he has made:

• Admit the problem;
• Put the Past behind you;
• Talk back to your feelings;
• Make yourself Accountable;
• Avoid Temptation;
• Depend on Christ’s power

Ultimately, building trust is a process. It means being accountable about where you are and what you are doing all the time; before you leave, when you leave, when you get there, whilst you are there, when you leave and when you return. It arduous and agonizing and sometimes embarrassing but it’s what needs to be done to rebuild the trust.

I can hear the cynics asking…”do you mean that the relationship should continue?”. Indeed I do. Of course this would be a lot more palatable if it were a marriage, a permanent, till-death-do-us-part relationship. I refer to my earlier example of the see-saw: the higher the risk, the higher the return. Think about it from a relationship, marriage, forgiveness and trust perspective, it’s quite a brilliant metaphor!

You see, in a marriage, the commitment is life-long and both partners are going to mess-up. But, if you are in it for life, you forgive and move on. If you’re not married, you are not committed… it’s the pig and chicken breakfast analogy: the chicken gives the egg, the pig gives his life.

I know that some will think I undermine the effect of infidelity; perhaps I just see it in the same light as their commitment.

Advice? (Part 3 of 3)

So far we have learnt that friends, the internet and magazines are dubious sources of advice for relationship problems. In Part 3, we learn that books and counsellors are more reliable sources of information but should be applied in different scenarios viz. maintenance and resolution.

Suppose we consider the nature of a problem itself. Is it an ongoing dispute about a component of the relationship or is it the gradual intensification of conflict reaching intolerable levels? Is it an incident from the past that still hampers the relationship or a new problem that’s ostensibly become a problem? Whichever, chances are that it’s been coming a while but one or both of the parties haven’t taken notice or thought it significant in any way. Many people who end up in a counsellor’s office will say something like “…she told me she was moving out, it was so sudden…” or “…it was then that I found out he was having an affair…”. To them, it’s as if it were a sudden and unexpected turn of events, completely unforeseen. But when they are forced to look in retrospect (with the counsellor’s guidance), then it often becomes clear that the visit to the counsellor was triggered off by an incident which was the culmination or epitome of many months/years of problems. However, if the problem had been dealt with when it first raised it’s head, within the confines of the home by the parties involved, much heartache could’ve been spared.

Essentially most problems in relationships start out small and grow if left unchecked. These problems are generally (excluding personality disorders) a result of unexpressed, misunderstood and unmanaged fears which have progressively increased or have not been dealt with correctly, or have  even been inflamed through defensive mechanisms kicking in uncontrollably. This is why relationships, like most dynamic organisms, require maintenance work, particularly preventative maintenance like inter alia working out how to deal with problems ab initio to prevent them from escalating. It can also teach couples how to deepen the bond between each other and commitment to the marriage.

Books

Firstly, I would encourage couples to read books and learn more about the dynamics of relationships thus avoiding some typical relationship pitfalls and, as mentioned above, to improve their relationship. Although there may be a few (very few) books which could be used (in some cases) as a “first aid kit” I would discourage couples to use books for “major surgery”, i.e. when things become explosive and out of control. This is simply because books, as with the internet, simply don’t have enough context to provide you with the answers that are applicable to your situation. Although the library has thousands of books wooing you to read them, offering quick solutions like 5 steps to a better marriage or how to win over your spouse before Christmas, there is a lot of contradictory advice. One book suggests giving your spouse an ultimatum and another says shower him or her with love. Which is right? I am not slating books, they have merit but more for the purpose of improving, enriching and understanding, and not as a solution. In my opinion, they should be used for preventative maintenance and enrichment.

Therapists

Finally, I would encourage couples to become familiar with an established counsellor in the area. It could be the counsellor who facilitated their pre-marital counselling but, if in the absence of preparation for their biggest decision, then to seek out a counsellor with whom they can become familiar with, even if it is just one session to meet him or her. This will go a long way in asking for help when help is needed. Ideally, both parties should have an affinity with the therapist, be able to confide in him or her and feel that he or she is competent. Furthermore, the therapist should have some fundamental belief structure or system which can be identified in an introductory session. With your local pastor or church counsellor this may be less of a concern as their fundamentals will (hopefully) be Biblically-based.

For some reason or other, there is a stigma attached with counselling. Going for counselling doesn’t mean that you’re a whack-job or that you can’t cope with your own issues, it simply means you are consulting a professional in an area with which you need assistance. It is no different from consulting an architect to draw plans for your house or a doctor for a prescription of antibiotics, save that it’s for emotional problems, problems that men don’t like to admit they have. Sure, it might be easier to stay in denial than to darken the doors of a therapist but ultimately doing so may lead to insurmountable regret.

The Solution

Having said all that, suppose I can refer you to a book which always has the right advice? It is infallible in it’s principles, examples and lessons? Wouldn’t you go out and buy it straight away? I would. Chances are, you probably have that book, by your bedside, a big black one or a small New Testament handed out by the Gideons. It has the answers, you just have to find them (2 Timothy 3:16). Problem is, it doesn’t have a boxed cross in the top right hand corner and it doesn’t pull punches. It doesn’t have an index that gives you the “how to” lesson on your problem. What it does offer is eternal, irrefutable and immutable answers, none of which are easy to implement and live by. But by trying to live by the principles each day, with the right motivation, the overwhelming problems in your relationship will start to subside, either by becoming less important or by simply allowing you to have a better understanding of them. If you struggle to find the solutions in the Bible, at least find a book or someone who bases their advice or teaching on the principles of the Bible. At least then you know, you can trust it.

Advice? [Part 1]

The sun setting on a relationship

Isn’t everyone an expert?

Talk to anyone who is on the brink of a divorce or break-up and they will tell you how their family and friends had apparently been covert fundis on the legalities of divorce, or secret guru’s and therapists on solving relationships, eagerly sharing their wisdom on their crumbling relationship. Isn’t that strange…. how suddenly everyone starts to give advice on what to do about your troubled relationship? Chances are those “snippets of insight” probably made you feel more helpless and confused than you’ve ever felt before. Sometimes you take the advice and oddly enough, it didn’t make a difference or maybe made things even worse.

Do you even need advice?

People going through a relationship crisis aren’t necessarily looking for advice from friends and family; all they need is someone to listen to them, empathise with them and just be a sounding board. At one point during a relationship crisis, I drove some 350km’s to spend time with some good folk who knew what I needed. On arrival, they gave me a book on divorce, led me outside under a tall tree, sat me down and started reading their own books. It was as if my arrival was part of a book club meeting where we sit outside and read, nothing out of the ordinary. Initially, I thought it was most bizarre but I had a deep respect for them and did what was clearly expected. I followed their example, acting as if it were perfectly normal in the time of crisis to not panic or discuss solutions, but to simply read. Time almost stood still as I began to read, looking up at times and tell them how unfair it all was or that I felt like a victim, needing someone to intervene, to judge the offending party and vindicate me. Whenever I began to speak, they would put their books down, listen attentively to what I had to say and nod, sometimes asking for clarification but ultimately simply reverting back to their books. It was an odd therapy but I came away feeling I had been heard, feeling that someone did care and understand what I was going through. No prescriptions, no reprimands, no judgments; not even sage words of knowledge, just validating me by listening to me.

So what do you do?

But when there is breakdown in a relationship, people often need some advice, legal advice definitely, but therapeutic advice is also recommended. Either way an expert is required. A relationship split often leaves one or both parties feeling powerless and fearful, desperate and vulnerable, willing to do almost anything to solve the rift or at least to make all the pain just go away. The wannabe-helpful friend or family member sees the pain of the hurting loved one often decides that either vengeance is needed or at the very least, a replacement. “I know a friend who sued for divorce and got a huge settlement, you need to go to his attorney”. Or, “I have a wonderful divorcee friend I know, shall I set her up for a date?” If you are on the receiving end of this advice, or have been there at any time, you’ll know what I am talking about. It’s anything but useful. But if you are struggling, it would be helpful to see someone to give you perspective.

How will it help?

Divorce or a break up is like death in a sense because you lose a partner. Losing a partner, particularly a life partner, means there will be grieving and a period of mourning. It’s perfectly natural and you need time to deal with it. During this time, staying away from the opposite sex allows one to come to terms with the causes of the breakdown. Sometimes the ostensible reasons or blame that’s been bandied about isn’t necessarily the root causes. This is best done with a therapist or counsellor who is able to help you determine what was normal and what was not normal about the relationship and pick up on patterns of behaviour. Once you understand the causes, you will be able to change the things you did wrong and/or recognise negative behavioural patterns of future partners with a view to dealing with them differently. Divorcing someone, unless for abuse, doesn’t necessarily remove the problems, only the person. It’s highly likely that you’ll carry those same challenges into the next relationship.

Do I really need help?

Strangely enough, we all think we’re normal. During my second year at Seminary, I did Practical Ministry. At the time, my life was blessed and I was as happy as can be. Over and above the theory, the course prescribed eight sessions with a therapist to a) deal with my issues and b) learn how it gets done. I called the first therapist on the list starting with an “A” and explained how I was indeed fine but needed the practical to get my credit. The therapist said she would happily comply but suggested I come for a session and re-evaluate after that. Needless to say, I was crying like a little girl in the first fifteen minutes and ended up doing the full eight sessions. Seeing a counsellor doesn’t mean you’re a “whack-job” or that you’re weak, it means you want a reality check, from someone who knows what they’re talking about, to help you move forward.

It’s your call

I’m not saying everyone needs a counsellor or a therapist; I’m just saying don’t be closed to the idea. We all need someone to give us perspective and advice, just make sure they are objective, helpful and know what they’re talking about. Too often we think our friends know what’s best and yet it’s frightening what I’ve heard come from friends. Most of the time, they are emotionally involved or doing what they think is best for you. Their motives are sound and their support unquestionable, but the question is: Is their advice?