The Cows Analogy

Today’s analogy tells the story of how a man valued his wife.

In South Africa, there is a traditional custom amongst the Zulu, Xhosa and Ndebene called Lobolo/Lobola. Lobola is essentially the price the groom pays the brides family (father) for her hand in marriage. It’s a complicated process which takes some negotiation and is done by the groom and his family with the bride’s father and family.  You can read more about it here. Traditionally the payment was/is made in cattle and is an indication of what the bride is worth. (For the post-modern world this may seem offensive). The story goes like this…

The cow in payment of Labola

There once was a man who wanted to marry a girl in his village. She was neither pretty nor ugly in appearance but it was his desire to marry her. He informed his family of his intention and contact was made with her family to start the Lobola negotiations. Sitting around the table, the bride’s father opened the negotiations with an offer of 2 cows for his daughter. The young man turned to his father and whispered in his ear. There ensued a barrage of words between the two but it became apparent that the father finally conceded. He turned to the bride’s father exasperated and said “We want to pay 10 cows for the bride”. (Of course I don’t understand the finer details of the culture and protocol but in any event this was obviously unexpected).  The father of the bride was in a difficult position. He didn’t want to decline the alluring prospect of sudden wealth but he also knew it would be a strain on his soon-to-be son-in-law’s finances. This was, of course, aside from the inference of his daughter’s worth if he tried to bargain him down. The negotiations continued late into the night but the groom-to-be got his way and paid the 10 cows for his bride.

The impact of the groom’s action on his bride was considerable. She suddenly began to walk with significant dignity, pride and self-assurance. Her attitude changed as she smiled at everyone, greeting them with confidence and humility. In fact, her entire disposition changed, tremendously, wonderfully, prodigiously and because of her new demeanor, she became most attractive women in the village.

You see, not only did that groom see the value in that ordinary women, he also changed the family’s, the village’s and even and especially so, the bride’s own perception of herself. Suddenly she began to see herself in a different light, someone who is valued and cherished, someone who is valued by another insofar as someone was prepared to pay an extraordinary price for her. His action (note: not words) spoke volumes and changed her life.

My question to you today is threefold :-

1. what value do you put on your spouse?
2. how will you show her/him?
3. what value of him/her do you portray to your family, friends, colleagues, associates, strangers?

My deepest thanks go to the late Rev. Dr Rex Mathee for sharing this with us on a marriage enrichment weekend.

The Flying Analogy

This analogy was first used by the late Rev Dr. Rex Matthee in the context of a Christian who was struggling to let go of a sinful past and sinful habits. Again, and I am sure with Dr. Rex’s blessing, I have elaborated the analogy somewhat to make it applicable for more than one situation.

There was once a boy who dreamed of flying, in fact, it was all he ever wanted to do. He would watch as the planes flew overhead and would play pretend games where he was a pilot. When he was old enough, he spent every spare penny he earned to afford the flying lessons he needed to get his pilot’s licence. He would spend every spare moment flying, fulfilling his boyhood dreams.

It came to pass one day that he met a lovely woman who he couldn’t get out of his mind and plucked up enough courage to ask her out on a date. She gracefully accepted and they chatted and chatted late into the night enjoying each other’s company. Naturally, he asked her out again and a third and fourth time. They were soon dating regularly and he started falling in love with her. Over the next few months they spent more and more time together and after much thought and consideration, he asked her to marry him. She replied “I can’t marry you. I would not be able to commit myself to being with you permanently and forever worrying about you flying. If you want to marry me, you’ll have to give up flying”. It would be an understatement to say that he was troubled.

Despite this, he continued seeing her fully aware of the imminent choice he would have to make. As time went by, he began to feel more and more restless when he was flying knowing she didn’t approve and also missing her somewhat. He began to spend less time in the air and more time with her until the day came when he realised that the love he felt for her was greater than the love he had for flying.

Dr Rex used the analogy to explained the same process one follows when you become a Christian. As your love for God grows, so it overshadows and takes the place of the other loves (and sometimes unhealthy loves) you once had. In life, you need to focus on the that which is of eternal value and grow your love for it. As you do so, so the other temporal attractions will slowly but surely fade into the background.

The Farming Theory

There is a principle in life I call the Farming Theory which I apply to schooling, careers, relationships…what the heck, to life in general. It’s something I heard over 15 years ago by a speaker on a conference which made me ponder for months and years to come. (My apologies to the speaker but I cannot remember your name). Be that as it may, I have since extended this analogy somewhat and applied it to many different situations to help explain my thinking and advice. It has been useful to many of my counselees and as a result, I thought I might share it with you. It also marks the beginning of a new section in my blog called analogies. The farming theory goes like this….

Suppose a farmer wants to make more money and decides that he is going to sell wheat for a profit. (For simplicity purposes, we assume he has the land he requires.) Before he begins, he decides to work out if the project is viable. He sources suppliers and prices of the implements he requires; the cost of the various cultivars of seed he could use and analyses the Ph of the soil in the field he intends to plant his wheat in. He estimates his labour and diesel requirements and studies the climatic conditions and rainfall for suitability as well as the last 10 years of weather patterns. He analyses the possible yields, the possible diseases he may encounter and the fertiliser at his disposal. Finally, he watches the futures prices of wheat on the C.B.O.T. and SAFEX, does his calculations on his potential earnings, and makes his decision. He calls his broker and tells him that he is planting wheat and sells 5,000 tons of wheat on SAFEX, delivery December, delivered to the local co-operative at the current levels. Now, he is committed.

It is now and only now, that the hard work and stress begins. Up until this point, it’s been a vision within the confines of his mind backed up by his calculations and planning. It’s exciting and worrying at the same time but because he has committed to it, he has to see it through. He starts by tilling the soil at least 3 times before planting, a month before planting, two weeks before planting and a week before planning. The seeds are planted every 10cm apart in the furrows cut by the ploughing, ideally around two weeks before first frosts in early April. Once the seeds have been planted, the farmer can do very little over the next 6-8 months except for disease inspection and prayer for the right weather. During this period, the wheat kernel is germinating and preparing itself for growth. When it grows, it is green – like shoots of grass before it begins to grow tall and produce a good head of wheat. For the farmer, the difficult period has come. Much can go wrong at this time, unexpected hail or late black frost could ruin the crop. Even though he can do very little during this time, he still gets up at dawn every morning going about his business of looking after the crop. November comes and it’s almost time to harvest. Early harvest means that the wheat’s moisture content is over 13% and will need to be manually dried before being taken into silos, so more waiting is needed. Finally, the wheat has dried out and the combine harvesters are sent into harvest, cutting the wheat, separating the wheat kernels from the chaff and loading it onto tractor-drawn trailer for delivery to the silo. The wheat looks good and full but only when the hectolitre mass and protein content has been tested will he know it’s quality and value. Then and only then will the farmer get his due reward for the months of hard work he has put in.

Can you see how many analogies can be drawn from the farmer’s way of life?

Perhaps I can give you three ways in which I have used the farming theory to explain how life should be.

1. There are some things in life that cannot be rushed. The wheat will not grow any faster if you nag it, make unreasonable demands on it or try manipulate it. It grows how it was designed to grow, as nature intended.  Give him or her space, provide them with love and nurturing and allow them to grow at their own pace.

2. Plan ahead - The more you plan the more you eliminate from going wrong. For a farmer to underestimate his costs or overestimate his crop or income can lead to disaster. Someone said “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail…” It never ceases to amaze me that people still don’t go for marriage counselling….

3. Anything worth working for takes time.  I encourage my offspring not to leave their studying to the day before their exams. Some have the ability to commit it to memory and recall it the following day. However, this will reside in short-term memory only, and when he is called to do it in practice one day, he will be left a few yards short. In business or relationships, in fact in life, you have to do the slog in faith hoping that it’s not in vain. Often you won’t see immediate success but don’t give up. It takes many years to build something worthwhile.

Learn something from the farmer today and apply it to your life.

Man in the Mirror

Yes, it’s Friday night and I am posting a blog. What’s up with that? Ironically, I was inspired to post a poem I once read some years ago by a new-found cyberfriend. I hope you find meaning in it like I did.

When you get all you want and you struggle for pelf,

and the world makes you king for a day,

then go to the mirror and look at yourself

and see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your mother, your father or wife

whose judgment upon you must pass,

but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life

is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please,

never mind all the rest.

For he’s with you right to the end,

and you’ve passed your most difficult test

if the man in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,

And think you’re a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum

If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world,

down the highway of years,

and take pats on the back as you pass.

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

if you’ve cheated the man in the glass

Man in the mirror by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934