The Next Relationship – Part 1

INTRODUCTION

This post was originally called “The Second Marriage” but after some thought, I changed it so as not to exclude long-term relationships and third marriages. Many of my counselees are in second relationships of some sort or another. Some are pensive about getting re-married, others unwilling to be committed, but each with his/her own challenges to deal with. This could stem, I believe, from a reluctance to go for post-relationship counselling to deal with the hurts from a terminated relationship or divorce.

The new Children’s Act makes mediation compulsory in a divorce action where children are involved. In my view, divorce counselling between the divorcing parties with children should also be compulsory. This may sound peculiar but often the bitterness and hurt from a broken marriage can turn into a battle for and around the children, who end up the most hurt through the conflict. During pre-divorce mediation, I spend 75% of the time trying to get the parties to communicate with each other without “naming, shaming and blaming” before moving towards mediating the settlement. I have found, in my humble experience, that once they have had their say and there is a confirmed understanding of perceptions, the couple are amicable and reach a settlement fairly quickly in comparison. Similarly, those who deal with their hurt from their past relationship are able to move forward with optimism and fervour. This in turn, has a significant impact on the children and their ability to adapt to the new lifestyle imposed on them. So over the next few weeks, I am going to be spending some time on the subject of next relationships. I would love to hear some of your comments, experiences and thoughts on the subject of pre-divorce counselling.

STATISTICS

When I did my mediation course some six years ago, we were given some frightening statistics regarding divorce and divorce rates. At the time, divorce rates were quoted at over 52% for first time marriages and over 73% for second marriages. Although the official South African 2009 statistics from Statssa on marriage and divorce do not calculate the breakdown of second marriages, my calculations estimated is that it is higher that 80%. Either way, the majority of second marriages end in divorce leaving men and women cynical and hurt.

HISTORY

History. We all have it, like it or not and it’s something we accumulate and carry to our grave. It’s not all bad and but it’s not all good either. So, when we move from one relationship to the next, it is an inevitable part of who we are (and what we bring) to the next relationship. On the positive side, we have more experience in dealing with relationships, warning cards of “what-not-to-do” and red lights of “what-to-watch-out-for”;  a new relationship maturity we never had when we endeavoured on our first or previous long-term-relationship. In contrast, we also bring battle-wounds from past relationships and more often than not, emotional baggage; undealt-with issues, unconquered fears, and bitterness of unforgiven pain. Physically, there are instant families; children from a previous spouse, of course the dreaded ex-wife (wives) or husband(s), maintenance issues and the inconvenient contact and care arrangements with the children along with the complications it brings. It’s not all bad but if it all worked out perfectly all the time, there wouldn’t be counsellors or psychologists who specialise in these areas. The reality is that there are problems that you don’t expect in next relationships.

MEETING MR RIGHT (no.2)

More often than not, once a person is over the grieving of a loss of their partner, a newness sets in coupled with excitement as she begins to meet men through blind dates, work or through friends. Inevitably, she meets someone she is attracted to and an exuberance and anticipation sets in. “So he is divorced, so am I” she says, “we have something in common”. The problems of the past and the future are forgotten and the feeling of invincibility and ‘love will conquer all’ mentality becomes the presiding philosophy. It is at this point when a time out is needed along with a serious reality check.

REALITY CHECK

If you or your friend finds yourselves in this position, it is probably too late to give advice. You’re feeling on top of the world and you can conquer the step-children and ex-wife thing, after all you know someone who has. Perhaps I can give you three things to think about in closure of part 1: -

• Whatever problems you had in your first relationship is likely to show up in your second relationship in some bizarre twist of fate;
• Whatever challenges you faced in dealing with families will now be doubled – there are of course twice as many people in involved;
• You are about to meet the insurgency factor called ‘split loyalties’.

I make it out to be doom and gloom and it might well be that you don’t experience your next relationship like this at all. What a win! However, chances are you might meet some of these issues and as we address them over the next few weeks, I hope it will prepare you in some way. Perhaps there are some issues that you are already dealing with and it will help you there. At best, you might never need to use the information but you might be able to understand what a friend is going through in her or her next relationship.

I would rather be over-equipped for a mission and feel I was worth more of a challenge than be underequipped and feel it wasn’t worth my while.

More on Trust

It has been very interesting to see how much my perspectives on relationships have grown as I  study the crucial element of trust in relationships. During the past week, I had to consider the issue of trust as I dealt with two relationships that involved long-distance. Although the dynamics of the two relationships are worlds apart, it brought a stark reminder of how absolutely crucial trust is in a relationship. Trust allows you to be at peace about a relationship even though there may be issues causing uncertainty whilst in direct contrast, if there is a lack of trust, you may also be searching for issues in a relationship that aren’t even there.

I have just finished reading “The Speed of Trust” by Stephen M.R. Covey, (son of the guru Stephen Covey of Seven habits) which, as the title hints, talks about how trust affects everything.  The book is essentially written for business but it also applies to marriage and relationships as the principles are the same. Perhaps I can quote from the foreword written by Stephen Covery (Snr) and summarize his view like this “Low trust slows everything, every decision, every communication and every relationship”. It follows that the corollary of high trusts is speed; speed with decisions, communications, relationships. He then suggests that trust starts from the inside and works itself towards the outside, like wave-rings that flow outward when a stone is thrown into a pool of water but it begins with self-trust. It’s a fascinating read indeed with real examples from global companies. I would recommend you buy it for your collection.

That said, and as you know, my main focus is on relationships and I was particularly interested on what followed these two statements: -

“You can’t talk yourself out of a problem you’ve behaved yourself into.” Covey (Snr)

“No, but you can behave yourself out of a problem you’ve behaved yourself into…and often faster than you think” Covey (Jnr) In an earlier blog I used content from Stephen Covey’s book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People which explained the emotional bank account. Covey junior gives thirteen behaviours which build trust.  For this blog, I’d like to simply list them with a short brief which made an impact on me. I am hoping that these might help you in your relationships.

1. Talk Straight – Tell the truth and leave the correct impression.
2. Demonstrate Respect – A measure of a person is the way he treats someone from whom he has nothing to gain.
3. Create Transparency – Tell the truth in a way people can verify.
4. Right Wrongs – Don’t let pride get in the way of doing the right thing. Actions speak louder than words.
5. Show Loyalty – To retain those who are present, be loyal to those who are absent. Give credit where credit is due and speak about those absent as if they were present.
6. Deliver Results – We judge ourselves on what we feel we are capable of delivering whilst others judge us on what we have already delivered.
7. Get Better – Don’t assume today’s knowledge and skills are sufficient for tomorrow’s challenges.
8. Confront Reality – Address the tough stuff directly and acknowledge the unsaid.
9. Clarify Expectations – Almost all conflict is the result of violated expectations.
10. Practice Accountability – A good leader takes more than his share of the blame and gives more than their share of the credit.
11. Listen First – Has anyone ever been criticised for listening too much?
12. Keep Commitments – The way you build trust, is though crucibles. You have to show you will keep to your word even if it is difficult.
13. Extend Trust –Trust me and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves great.

Finally, one behaviour that is not highlighted but runs as an implied element throughout the behaviours is sincerity. To me it goes hand-in-hand with all the above behaviours.

Next blog: The Next Relationship

The Speed of Trust – Stephen M.R. Covey – Simon & Schuster UK lTD London:2006

Note: Some of the above quotes were quotes the author used in his book.

Pic from www.customergauge.com

Responding with Love

I’m a rabid anti-quick-fix revolutionary, or shall I rather phrase it a quick-fix counterrevolutionary? In life and love, there are few quick and easy solutions so when I see the cover stories of magazines on “10 tips to improve your marriage” or “5 ways to spice up your sex life” I see red. It’s not the suggestion that there is no truth in the quick-fixes it’s just that it gives the wrong impression about the extent one has to go to improve/repair/strengthen relationships. Relationships aren’t made or fixed in an afternoon, it’s more of a long-term effort and well…it’s exactly that… an effort. So forgive my cynicism towards the superfluous, superficial six-stepped solution which undermines the long-term commitment, but that’s just me.

However, having said that, I’m just about to contradict myself, albeit only slightly, losing whatever credibility I have left, and suggest ways in which you can respond toward your spouse with love.

Do you remember the fear dance? In essence, this is supposed to be the exact opposite, call it ‘stillness of love’ if you have to but it’s what you need to do to avoid conflict escalating out of control. Half the problem is that we have an auto-react system deep rooted in ourselves that needs our intervention to prevent the fear dance from starting.  So keep in mind the gap between stimulus and response which allows you to decide on how to respond whenever your partner starts up. Watch out then for the signals indicating there is conflict on the rise and then respond in the stillness of love.

Suppose you say or do something that causes your spouse to react with aggression/silence/anxiety etc. what do you do?

Step 1: Instead of attacking back, learn to say “Whoa, that’s interesting. Where did that come from?” But say it with interest, concern and perhaps empathy. Remember sincerity is the key here.

Step 2: Trace back your words and actions to see what sparked off the reaction and try identifying which fear you could’ve triggered off. If you were the one that reacted, trace back to what it was that got you going and share that with your spouse.

Step 3: Once you have successfully identified the fear triggered, provide your spouse with what he needs to make him feel safe again. E.g If he was feeling invalidated, validate them, humiliated – dignity (See here for more tips)

Step 4: Create a safe spouse for your spouse by apologising for hurting him, reassuring him of your commitment to and love for him and being transparent about your intentions.

Step 5: Ask for his help for the future when you encroach onto tender spots.

Herewith a summary to cut out, laminate and send to your favourite magazine…

Responding with love means: -

• Recognising your spouse’s dance of fear -

• Reviewing your own actions to identify what sparked his fear off or;
• Relating the fear in you that sparked the dance off;

• Reassure them according to their needs

• Re-establishing a safe space for your spouse by:-
  • Repenting of the pain you inflicted;
  • Reiterate your love for them;
  • Resuming transparency of your intentions;
  • Reinforcing your commitment to them.
  • Request their help for the future.

I cannot understate the importance of creating a safe space for your spouse. It’s in our nature to shake our spouses when things don’t go quite how we want them to and we instinctively know exactly which buttons to press to do that. This might win the battle but loses the war as you push your spouse away.  Creating a safe space is exactly the opposite action. It builds trust which enables your spouse to move towards you. You may have to sacrifice at times  (Ephesians 5:21) but you win her heart in the long run. It’s about the bigger picture after all. I challenge you to give it a try and let me know how you get on. It’s not a quick-fix solution but the start of a process of responding in love to the very time when he needs you most.

(Note: In the above-context he/she are inter-replaceable)

The Cows Analogy

Today’s analogy tells the story of how a man valued his wife.

In South Africa, there is a traditional custom amongst the Zulu, Xhosa and Ndebene called Lobolo/Lobola. Lobola is essentially the price the groom pays the brides family (father) for her hand in marriage. It’s a complicated process which takes some negotiation and is done by the groom and his family with the bride’s father and family.  You can read more about it here. Traditionally the payment was/is made in cattle and is an indication of what the bride is worth. (For the post-modern world this may seem offensive). The story goes like this…

The cow in payment of Labola

There once was a man who wanted to marry a girl in his village. She was neither pretty nor ugly in appearance but it was his desire to marry her. He informed his family of his intention and contact was made with her family to start the Lobola negotiations. Sitting around the table, the bride’s father opened the negotiations with an offer of 2 cows for his daughter. The young man turned to his father and whispered in his ear. There ensued a barrage of words between the two but it became apparent that the father finally conceded. He turned to the bride’s father exasperated and said “We want to pay 10 cows for the bride”. (Of course I don’t understand the finer details of the culture and protocol but in any event this was obviously unexpected).  The father of the bride was in a difficult position. He didn’t want to decline the alluring prospect of sudden wealth but he also knew it would be a strain on his soon-to-be son-in-law’s finances. This was, of course, aside from the inference of his daughter’s worth if he tried to bargain him down. The negotiations continued late into the night but the groom-to-be got his way and paid the 10 cows for his bride.

The impact of the groom’s action on his bride was considerable. She suddenly began to walk with significant dignity, pride and self-assurance. Her attitude changed as she smiled at everyone, greeting them with confidence and humility. In fact, her entire disposition changed, tremendously, wonderfully, prodigiously and because of her new demeanor, she became most attractive women in the village.

You see, not only did that groom see the value in that ordinary women, he also changed the family’s, the village’s and even and especially so, the bride’s own perception of herself. Suddenly she began to see herself in a different light, someone who is valued and cherished, someone who is valued by another insofar as someone was prepared to pay an extraordinary price for her. His action (note: not words) spoke volumes and changed her life.

My question to you today is threefold :-

1. what value do you put on your spouse?
2. how will you show her/him?
3. what value of him/her do you portray to your family, friends, colleagues, associates, strangers?

My deepest thanks go to the late Rev. Dr Rex Mathee for sharing this with us on a marriage enrichment weekend.

Love vs Fear: Part III

Before we begin Part 3 of 3 of Love vs Fear, let us start with a brief recap: -

• Some time ago, I explained about the space between stimuli and response during which you have a “response–ability” to decide on your reaction;
• I shared my belief that Love and Fear are our primary emotions and govern our actions/responses;
• Amongst our fears are the three core fears viz. disconnection, lack of control and shame;
• Some of you might’ve taken the test to see what your  hot buttons are;
• I suggested you start increasing the gap between stimulus and response by observing your “hot button” reactions when conflict arises to enhancing your self-awareness.

I trust you have started this process and have made some interesting discoveries.

Today we bring it all together and compare the effects of responding with fear versus responding with love. To illustrate this, I script a typical conflict situation which you may or may not be able to relate to. It might be a familiar conversation but if not, I ask you to imagine yourself in either of the roles and how you would react.

Scene2 – Act 1

[Bill is a middle-level manager with serious ambition and charm to go with it. Mary, his childhood sweetheart and wife, is a full-time mother who helps out part-time at an old age home. Bill is phoning home to explain that he is taking a client (divorced woman- though from experience, he doesn’t share the divorced part with Mary - and her colleague, a younger man and somewhat junior) for a drink after signing a contract]

“Who all is going?” asks Mary. It’s the same questions Bill thinks before responding.

“Just Delilah, John and I but I’ll be home as soon as I can” he promises.

“What time is as soon as I can?” she asks deliberately. Bill can hear the strain in her voice.

“Not sure, depending on how sociable they are” he responds as patiently as he can.

“Is she pretty?” she asks hesitantly with a dry voice

“No, not really.” Bill tries to deflect the attention away from the divorcee.

“You’re lying” she accuses (Warning: Nuclear shutdown approaching he thinks)

“I’m not” he says defensively. “It’s just a new client and I want to impress them”

“YOU want to sleep with her”. She can’t help herself. ‘Here we go’ thinks Bill to himself.

[For most, (myself probably more than most), it is at this point that an excruciating dichotomy starts to flare up within the depths of our hearts and souls. On the one hand, the body wants to inflict brutal pain upon our spouses whereas our minds try to react logically, rationally and with integrity. It’s a hopeless fight and Bill deals a cruel flurry of biting words that strike deep into Mary’s heart.

“Yes, and her colleague…” Sarcasm is a great counter attack Bill thinks. “We’re going to have a threesome on the restaurant table whilst the waiter takes pictures for the local newspaper. Shall I order some photos to be enlarged and framed for you…?”

He feels a mild pang of regret before forcing himself to overcome it and braces himself for her counterattack. She simply has to understand, this is my career, he says to himself.

Sudden silence as they both realise the dance of fear has begun. In a startling move, Mary suddenly takes the responsibility and ends the conflict. “I’m sorry,” she replies suddenly with warmth and sincerity. He’s thrown off-guard as he realises she recognised his dance of fear and reacted with love. “I didn’t mean to sound controlling. I trust you. It’s just I get jealous when you’re out with other another woman and I’m scared you fall in love with her and leave me”. She’s got him.

“I’m sorry too”, he responds to her love “I’ll be home by half past seven or I’ll call. I love you and I want you to know that you are the only one for me”.  Bill responds to her fears as Mary did to his and reassures her.

This illustration is clearly not always how things play out but it shows how the fear dance begins and with little imagination, I am sure you can see another ending playing out. However, because Mary reacted with love instead of fear, Bill responded immediately and stopped his dance of fear, avoiding a possible disastrous ending.

Although it seems idealistic, ultimately we should always attempt to respond to our spouse with love. Responding with love essentially appeases your spouse’s core fears which, in turn, cement the glue of relationships viz. trust.

Let’s look at those core fears again:

Core Fear	Fear Response	Love Response
Disconnection	Rejection	Reassurance of Connection
Loss of Control	Usurping Power	Entrenching Commitment
Shame	Threatening/Exposure	Establish Dignity/Reinforce Respect

You see when you respond in love you are essentially creating a safe space for your spouse to work in and share his/her feelings, without feeling threatened or insecure. In so doing, barriers are broken down and the ultimate goal of “…the two shall be united and become one flesh…” (Genesis 2:24), gets that little bit closer. Jesus taught in Mark 10:8 that “…they are no longer two but one..” meaning that they both look after each other’s welfare and well-being as if they were looking after their own. If you do that, at all times and without exception, your relationship can only grow stronger and become as God intended it to be, a unique, permanent bond between two people designed and created for companionship and intimacy.  Am I making sense here? Is the message coming through? I hope so.

On a personal note, I made a decision some time back to tell my wife and children to what extent I love them. I tell them “I love you and there is nothing that you or anyone can say or do to change that”. It is my attempt to tell them that my love is for them is permanent (forever, unending, till death), is a testament (there for their acceptance or rejection) and unconditional (it does not depend on their behaviour). I was in my early forties before I had the courage to commit my love to that extent, and be certain I could follow through with it. For me, it was a step of faith; an enabling of courage to overcome fears deep-rooted in my past. But, although it was difficult to express, the feelings were always there, just difficult to make public. Perhaps it’ll be easier for you, I don’t know. I sincerely hope so, but if you can’t say it and mean it, search yourself to find out why and deal with it. And if I can help in any way, I would be more than happy to do so.

Love vs Fear: Part II

Last week, we started looking at Love and Fear as our primary emotions. I suggested that we do a lot of things based on wrong motives (fear) and that if we can increase our self-awareness we can change how we react to stimuli. I tried to make the point that understanding ourselves better by being brutally honest about the root cause of our actions will help our relationships. I also asked you to take note of what your spouse says that causes a knee jerk reaction in you. I’d love to hear from you about your experience but in the meantime, let’s investigate more about this fear and what it has to do with our relationships.

Dr Gary Smalley suggests we are all born with two core fears and a whole lot of other fears we pick up through this imperfect life. These two fears originated from the Garden of Eden where, till the fall, man had dominion over the garden (Genesis 1:28) and had connection with God on a daily basis (Genesis 3:8). After the fall, they were removed from the garden, relinquishing their control over it (Core fear 1 – lack of control) and were forced to work for food, surrendering their daily communion with God (Core fear 2 – fear of disconnection).  However, I believe there is a third core fear; fear of shame or being exposed. Allow me to explain. Genesis 3:7 says “…Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the whole Bible explains what happened here so succinctly (edited by me)

“…It is not meant of the eyes of the body…Nor is it meant of any advances made hereby in true knowledge; but the eyes of their consciences were opened, their hearts smote them for what they had done….They saw their natures corrupted and depraved, and felt a disorder in their own spirits of which they had never before been conscious… That they were shamed, forever shamed, before God and angels… that their eyes should be opened; and so they were, but not as they understood it; they were opened to their shame and grief, not to their honour nor advantage….to palliate these convictions, and to arm themselves against them: They sewed, or platted, fig-leaves together; and to cover, at least, part of their shame from one another, they made themselves aprons. See here what is commonly the folly of those that have sinned… That they are more solicitous to save their credit before men than to obtain their pardon from God; they are backward to confess their sin, and very desirous to conceal it, as much as may be…That the excuses men make, to cover and extenuate their sins, are vain and frivolous. Like the aprons of fig-leaves, they make the matter never the better, but the worse; the shame, thus hidden, becomes the more shameful. Yet thus we are all apt to cover our transgressions as Adam, Job_31:33.

We all hate admitting our sin, it’s just too embarrassing and the sense of powerlessness, disappointment and failure we feel as a result, is something we’d rather avoid. It’s far easier to deny it, blame others, hide it or simply become aggressive and reject the responsibility. We simply avoid shame, it’s in our nature.

But back to Dr Gary Smalley; he further suggests that these two (three) core fears cause us to react to anything that threatens us (like someone pushing our buttons); much like bumping raw skin causes us to immediately pull away, so we react in a similar manner when our core fears are stirred. This reaction, termed the “fear dance” by Dr Gary Smalley, is essentially the reaction we display (in words and actions) when our buttons are being pressed. Most of us have more than the three core fears I have just mentioned. (Here is a list to test yourself) But it is fear that causes us to react to anything that threatens us.

Perhaps I can use an example here to explain what I mean.

Scene 1

Your spouse calls to tell you he wants to work late, to put some time in on a project. You, on the other hand, wanted him to be home early as you prepared his favourite meal and you’d planned for the two of you to watch a movie. You inform him he can work late some other night but he needs to come home early tonight as you’d made plans for tonight. He responds by telling you he won’t as he has to work late. You clear your throat as if he must’ve misheard you and if you repeat it; he’s certain to listen this time. But he doesn’t and confirms he will be working late. Some red light and a buzzer inside your mind starts to flash and sound and you have to tell him that he cant’ work late. “But I’ve made supper and planned a lovely evening…” (fear of losing control).

“How do you suggest I get this project done then?” he responds (fear dance starts)

You see, everyone has fears which cause them to react in certain ways. As you begin to understand more about your core fears, so you will begin to realise why you react the way you do in some circumstances. This isn’t by any means quick or easy, it is a process of becoming more self aware by observing yourself over a period of time. And, the more aware you became of your fears, the more self-awareness you have to choose how to react when your buttons were being pushed. (Remember stimulus & response?)

This is not an easy concept to grasp but you can read more about it here.  I cannot overstate how crucial this concept is to your relationship and I would encourage you to take cognisance of when you fight, why your fight and what is resolved. Take the “hot buttons” test and see if you can see it in action.  Next week, we’ll look at love and how to react with love towards your spouse instead of in fear.

Love vs Fear: Part I

Have you ever done something and in hindsight couldn’t quite figure what was going though your mind the second before you did it? Or perhaps you have watched as things unfold around you somewhat differently to what they had within the confines of your mind some time earlier? Or perhaps, like me sometimes, you hadn’t even given the slightest thought about the consequences of something until the chaos, devastations and destruction you had caused forced you to ask the question “what was I thinking?” Today we look at intent and, in particular, motive in the context of relationships.

Robert Plutchik classified eight primary emotions for human beings viz. - anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, and joy. Other studies have suggested anything between 3 emotions to 11 emotions. You can see the list here and choose the ones you like. John B Watson was one of the first students of human emotions suggesting that there are only three: Fear, love and rage. Despite his studies being somewhat dated, I personally think he was closer to the truth with one exception: rage stems from fear and is therefore not a primary emotion. This leaves me with only two primary emotions: Fear and Love. My theory is based on what I understand the Bible to teach. In the beginning, I believe that man and God lived in absolute harmony, without fear or more aptly, in perfect and unconditional love. In Genesis 3:10, we see the first mention of fear as Adam (probably speaking on behalf of Eve as well) tells God why they hid. It was Satan who brought fear into the world through Adam’s disobedience, which up to that point, was probably something they had never experienced. Move to the New Testament and we see in 1 John 4:7 that Love comes from God and in fact, further on in that same passage, that Love and Fear are opposite in nature where “…perfect love casts out fear…” (1 John 4:18). There are of course other passages and references to other emotions but for this context, let’s leave it at that. I want to get to the interesting stuff.

One of my main focuses of counselling is to help the counselee create a sense of self-awareness of their thoughts, actions and motives. This essentially empowers them to become more conscience about why they do what they do and why they think like they think, in other words to become aware of their motives. Hopefully, this self-awareness helps them to increase the space between stimulus and response enabling them to make deliberate decisions based on their new thought processes. As the saying goes, “…change your thoughts, change your attitudes, change your life…”. (See also Romans 12:2)

In a relationship context, I am of the belief that we often say and do things with the wrong motives. This is not to say we do it intentionally or vindictively, we simply react in a way that we have been programmed to react. This programming, more-often-than-not, takes place during our formative childhood years where we simply accepted all we were taught, observed and deducted to be the absolute truth. Okay, so this is bordering on Psychology but the point I am trying to make here is that our reactions are unconsciously based on (I believe) love or fear. The difficult part is knowing THE ROOT CAUSE of why we do things but even more difficult than that is being brutally honest enough with ourselves to see our true motives. It is my suggestion here that only those with courage and humility will desire to seek out their true motives.

In Part II, we’re going to see how Love and Fear affect our relationships. In the meantime, try making notes (mentally and otherwise) about what gets your blood boiling. What does your spouse say and why does it trigger a reaction in you.

Taking Responsibility

It only takes One

Some five years ago, I was interviewed by a popular women’s magazine on divorce.  In response to one of the questions, I stated unequivocally that I believe, with exception of physical abuse of course, that every marriage could be saved. For reasons only known to that reporter, the article was never printed but my guess is that my views were far too radical for their target post-modernistic audience. Although at the time I sincerely believed that if both parties worked at the marriage then the marriage could be saved, I have grown somewhat and no longer believe in the above statement; In other words, I no longer believe that it takes two people to work at the marriage to save it… I now believe it only takes one.

It isn’t easy

This may be difficult to assimilate, particularly if you have been or currently are in a “difficult” relationship. You may also believe, and sincerely so, that it’s not your fault the relationship has deteriorated to the extent it has. I want you to know that you, as an individual, have the power to change the relationship. This is no easy challenge for anyone and not something that will happen overnight either. For me, as I consider the many people hurting in relationships, it is no less difficult to explain the principles behind this concept without it sounding superfluous and superficial. In other words, this is a subject that takes some time to process and internalise, and for some, very difficult to implement.

It’s not my fault

From experience, I have learnt that counselees who see me for issues of marital conflict already know the answer to their problems…it’s their spouse’s fault, for whatever happens or doesn’t happen and I need to talk to him or her and tell them to change. This is not new because since the beginning of mankind, we have been reluctant to take the blame for anything and everything. Can you remember when God confronted Adam about eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge? Here it is from Genesis 3:11

‘…And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” 12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”  13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”…’

Can you see the pattern…? The man blames the women, the woman blames the serpent and frankly, the serpent didn’t have a leg to stand on. We hate admitting fault, saying sorry or taking the blame.  Instead of pushing blame, why not take responsibility?

It could be something I can change.

Dr Gary Smalley can be credited to my paradigm shift of taking responsibility for my relationships. He coined the teaching “The Power of One” and suggests some ideas on how to do this. I have paraphrased (a summary) below: -

“…Take control of your thoughts, feelings and actions, and buttons. You have a choice on how to react when someone pushes your buttons. Don’t give others the control over your feelings, only you have control over how you react. Don’t look to others to make you happy; you can’t force them to meet your needs but you can give them the choice to try. Taking personal responsibility means forgiving your spouse and confessing your wrongdoings”.

It’s about Response-ability.

All very well but how do I change my reactions? Stephen Covey in his book ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ explains through an astounding quote:-

“ Between stimulus and response is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness. No matter what has happened, there is a space between those events and our responses to them. If there is even a fraction of a second between stimulus and response, that space represents our power to choose our response to any situation…” (Anonymous). For me personally, I cannot conceal how massive an impact that quote had on me. I would suggest you read that quote over and over until it becomes a part of you because that, in essence, is the key to taking responsibility for your relationship. It is in that space that Stephen Covey talks about, the space between being accused and reacting, you have time to consider your response. He goes on to hypothesize that it is in fact the source of responsibility – “response…..ability” …in other words, your choice in that space on how to respond to whatever is thrown at you.  Furthermore, he explains how that space is governed and of course how to increase that space, thus empowering you to exercise greater and better choices. I would recommend reading the 7 Habits for further insight.

It’s about how you react

In terms of marriage, I cannot emphasise how important it is to consider that space.  Instead of attacking, try understanding; instead of being defensive, say sorry; instead of throwing a tantrum, consider being honest. Perhaps I can tabularise what I am trying to say as follows (Click to enlarge):

In any relationship, we sub-consciously know what buttons to push in our spouse to get a reaction or to cause pain, and so does our spouse with us. How we respond to those buttons is how we can change the relationship. As we change our response, it will inevitably have an impact on our spouse, and his or her reaction will slowly begin to change accordingly.

It will change your relationship

I would therefore encourage you to take responsibility for your relationship and to do it with a willing heart as if it were all up to you and because you want to. There is hope for almost every marriage, as long as you don’t give up. And, just like a farmer will get up in the morning, prays and looks outside in hope that maybe today it will rain, maybe today. So too you can get up, pray and hope that today might be different. I hope so.

‘Till Death Do Us Part

Although it’s premature, I want to say congratulations to my mother and father-in-law who celebrate their 50^th wedding anniversary in April this year.

50th Anniversary

Fifty years is a very long time to be married to one person and I respect anyone who has made the choice, and indeed, continues to make the choice (everyday) to stay married for life. You will note the key word there is “choice” which is in fact what marriage is. It is not something that happens per chance as Hollywood would have us believe and, for the Western culture, not something forced on you.

To some, marriage “for life” or “till death do us part” is not too dissimilar from a sentence handed down in a court room for murder. On that note, I have on occasion met couples who have testified that death almost seemed an attractive alternative to the pain and suffering they have endured through their marriage. Still others have confessed to planning the murder of their spouse as a viable option. I always discourage couples who threaten their spouse with an “over my dead body” statement as that could well be arranged in South Africa apparently. Be that as it may, how sure are you that you are in a relationship that you and your spouse both know will only terminate when either one of you dies?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the reasons the courts accept for divorce and in contrast to this, I want to tackle the exact opposite, the reason why you shouldn’t get divorced or stated in the positive, the reason to stay in a marriage. In fact, this reason is so important that it can become the single and only motive for you to choose to stay in the marriage, especially when times get tough. I refer here to the commitment you made to that person the day that you got married. On that day you made your vows and albeit some time ago, at that point in time you wanted nothing more but to spend the rest of your life with that person. In fact you even made a vow to her/him, in front of the minister, friends, family and lest we not forget, to and in front of God. You made an irrevocable promise to love “till death do us part”; a promise that when times get tough, you’re not going to jump ship and trade her in for a twenty-something year old or in her case, you wouldn’t suddenly find a colleague much more interesting and interested in you. But wait, there’s more, it was “…for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health…” You see those wedding vows are there for a purpose; they are a public promise of a life-long commitment. That’s why I for one, (and many churches) would refuse to marry anyone who hasn’t been through pre-marital counseling. You have to understand the nature of the commitment you are making and the actions that go with it. I therefore wouldn’t suggest babbling them off quickly so that you can get started on your honeymoon and the much-anticipated consummation of your marriage. Times will get tough and you will want to leave, separate, divorce, cause grievous bodily harm and heck, you might’ve even looked for soft ground in the field behind your house to bury her/him. But a commitment is a commitment and in the words of Winston Churchill “…never give up… never give up.”

“All very well for him to say”, you think, “he doesn’t have to live with her/him”. Despite what you may think, you are not alone. Without exception, I do not know of one marriage that hasn’t gone through a rocky or rough patch. Perhaps I can liken it to running the Comrades. Everyone starts off feeling great in the morning, the atmosphere is awesome and everyone is chirpy. If it’s the down run, you leave the cool valley of Pietermaritzburg, down Polly Shorts and head out into farmland and the valley of a thousand hills. You’ve been training for this the whole year and you’re finally here; it’s nothing short of exhilarating. But 50 kilometers into the race when you’re going up Botha’s Hill, you’re not so chirpy and you feel like giving up and quitting running for good. It’s a bad patch and you’re feeling drained. Fellow runners encourage you to continue and you keep your head down and keep going on putting one step in front of the other, pushing forward, towards Durban. Over Botha’s hill it gets a bit better and the bad patch passes and things get better again… till Cowies hill. Like life, marriage is like that. You will go through bad patches and you may want to give up but don’t, you made the commitment, see it through and I can assure you, the bad patch will pass.

Perhaps a better explanation is found in Ecclesiastes where the teacher speaks of life being full of seasons (Ecclesiastes 3:1-13). Sometimes seeing out the season is necessary before growth can begin again. I am not being niaive to think that just sitting out the season is enough because even then, one needs to plant the seed, work the land and spend much time in prayer for rain. (See Farming Analogy). So it is in a marriage; one has to take action to ensure the continual growth of the marriage. This does not always seem immediately successful when you are the only one interested in making the marriage work. But, if you do the work, you will reap the rewards, even if it seems hopeless and pointless right now. The point is don’t give up. You made the commitment and the rough patch will pass; it will get better.

You will note I have been repeating the same word throughout this blog…commitment. I want to point out two crucial points here. Firstly, commitment is in essence one of the fundamental differences between moving in together and getting married. When you move in, it’s an agreement of sorts, perhaps a contract at best but a marriage it is not. Marriage is a commitment for life. It is no wonder when you move in together that it is so easy to move out and on… I mean you never really promised to stay for life now did you? The second point is this…when the going gets tough, it may become the only reason why you stay. In other words, in the midst of a fight when the bait is thrown by the spouse who says “…if you don’t like it, why don’t you just leave…” Imagine the response if you stop for a second and say…”I wont leave; I made a commitment to you. I am staying here because I promised to love you till death do us part, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health…”?

At the end of the day, if you make the commitment, you are accountable to it, to him/her, to yourself and to God. For that very reason, you swallow your pride, let go of control, deal with frustration, acknowledge fault, apologize even when you don’t feel it was your fault and you forgive even when you don’t want to. You see you just don’t quit because you made a commitment. You stick it out simply because you said you would.

The Flying Analogy

This analogy was first used by the late Rev Dr. Rex Matthee in the context of a Christian who was struggling to let go of a sinful past and sinful habits. Again, and I am sure with Dr. Rex’s blessing, I have elaborated the analogy somewhat to make it applicable for more than one situation.

There was once a boy who dreamed of flying, in fact, it was all he ever wanted to do. He would watch as the planes flew overhead and would play pretend games where he was a pilot. When he was old enough, he spent every spare penny he earned to afford the flying lessons he needed to get his pilot’s licence. He would spend every spare moment flying, fulfilling his boyhood dreams.

It came to pass one day that he met a lovely woman who he couldn’t get out of his mind and plucked up enough courage to ask her out on a date. She gracefully accepted and they chatted and chatted late into the night enjoying each other’s company. Naturally, he asked her out again and a third and fourth time. They were soon dating regularly and he started falling in love with her. Over the next few months they spent more and more time together and after much thought and consideration, he asked her to marry him. She replied “I can’t marry you. I would not be able to commit myself to being with you permanently and forever worrying about you flying. If you want to marry me, you’ll have to give up flying”. It would be an understatement to say that he was troubled.

Despite this, he continued seeing her fully aware of the imminent choice he would have to make. As time went by, he began to feel more and more restless when he was flying knowing she didn’t approve and also missing her somewhat. He began to spend less time in the air and more time with her until the day came when he realised that the love he felt for her was greater than the love he had for flying.

Dr Rex used the analogy to explained the same process one follows when you become a Christian. As your love for God grows, so it overshadows and takes the place of the other loves (and sometimes unhealthy loves) you once had. In life, you need to focus on the that which is of eternal value and grow your love for it. As you do so, so the other temporal attractions will slowly but surely fade into the background.