Last week, we started looking at Love and Fear as our primary emotions. I suggested that we do a lot of things based on wrong motives (fear) and that if we can increase our self-awareness we can change how we react to stimuli. I tried to make the point that understanding ourselves better by being brutally honest about the root cause of our actions will help our relationships. I also asked you to take note of what your spouse says that causes a knee jerk reaction in you. I’d love to hear from you about your experience but in the meantime, let’s investigate more about this fear and what it has to do with our relationships.
Dr Gary Smalley suggests we are all born with two core fears and a whole lot of other fears we pick up through this imperfect life. These two fears originated from the Garden of Eden where, till the fall, man had dominion over the garden (Genesis 1:28) and had connection with God on a daily basis (Genesis 3:8). After the fall, they were removed from the garden, relinquishing their control over it (Core fear 1 – lack of control) and were forced to work for food, surrendering their daily communion with God (Core fear 2 – fear of disconnection). However, I believe there is a third core fear; fear of shame or being exposed. Allow me to explain. Genesis 3:7 says “…Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” Matthew Henry’s Commentary on the whole Bible explains what happened here so succinctly (edited by me)
“…It is not meant of the eyes of the body…Nor is it meant of any advances made hereby in true knowledge; but the eyes of their consciences were opened, their hearts smote them for what they had done….They saw their natures corrupted and depraved, and felt a disorder in their own spirits of which they had never before been conscious… That they were shamed, forever shamed, before God and angels… that their eyes should be opened; and so they were, but not as they understood it; they were opened to their shame and grief, not to their honour nor advantage….to palliate these convictions, and to arm themselves against them: They sewed, or platted, fig-leaves together; and to cover, at least, part of their shame from one another, they made themselves aprons. See here what is commonly the folly of those that have sinned… That they are more solicitous to save their credit before men than to obtain their pardon from God; they are backward to confess their sin, and very desirous to conceal it, as much as may be…That the excuses men make, to cover and extenuate their sins, are vain and frivolous. Like the aprons of fig-leaves, they make the matter never the better, but the worse; the shame, thus hidden, becomes the more shameful. Yet thus we are all apt to cover our transgressions as Adam, Job_31:33.
We all hate admitting our sin, it’s just too embarrassing and the sense of powerlessness, disappointment and failure we feel as a result, is something we’d rather avoid. It’s far easier to deny it, blame others, hide it or simply become aggressive and reject the responsibility. We simply avoid shame, it’s in our nature.
But back to Dr Gary Smalley; he further suggests that these two (three) core fears cause us to react to anything that threatens us (like someone pushing our buttons); much like bumping raw skin causes us to immediately pull away, so we react in a similar manner when our core fears are stirred. This reaction, termed the “fear dance” by Dr Gary Smalley, is essentially the reaction we display (in words and actions) when our buttons are being pressed. Most of us have more than the three core fears I have just mentioned. (Here is a list to test yourself) But it is fear that causes us to react to anything that threatens us.
Perhaps I can use an example here to explain what I mean.
Scene 1
Your spouse calls to tell you he wants to work late, to put some time in on a project. You, on the other hand, wanted him to be home early as you prepared his favourite meal and you’d planned for the two of you to watch a movie. You inform him he can work late some other night but he needs to come home early tonight as you’d made plans for tonight. He responds by telling you he won’t as he has to work late. You clear your throat as if he must’ve misheard you and if you repeat it; he’s certain to listen this time. But he doesn’t and confirms he will be working late. Some red light and a buzzer inside your mind starts to flash and sound and you have to tell him that he cant’ work late. “But I’ve made supper and planned a lovely evening…” (fear of losing control).
“How do you suggest I get this project done then?” he responds (fear dance starts)
You see, everyone has fears which cause them to react in certain ways. As you begin to understand more about your core fears, so you will begin to realise why you react the way you do in some circumstances. This isn’t by any means quick or easy, it is a process of becoming more self aware by observing yourself over a period of time. And, the more aware you became of your fears, the more self-awareness you have to choose how to react when your buttons were being pushed. (Remember stimulus & response?)
This is not an easy concept to grasp but you can read more about it here. I cannot overstate how crucial this concept is to your relationship and I would encourage you to take cognisance of when you fight, why your fight and what is resolved. Take the “hot buttons” test and see if you can see it in action. Next week, we’ll look at love and how to react with love towards your spouse instead of in fear.
